That is what I feel these days, well actually… past months. Yay way to start the first post of the year, I know! But I’m not gonna pretend that everything is great right now, no! I have had the flu on and off since the beginning of December so my body feels weak and my mind kind of blank yet this sad echo in my heart.
I’m sick of this feeling, the feeling of something missing inside of me. It keeps me up at nights. The thing is, I was doing quite well till October but it all changed when the guy I had feelings for dissed me and ended up with his 20-year-old ex, ever since I feel broken inside (it literally makes me sick to my stomach). I mean it’s not like we were something serious or something, we just went on two dates and it’s so dumb when you look at it that way but he was love at first sight, it just felt right, like it was meant to be but I don’t know. I really don’t know!
I can’t stop thinking about him even though he is not the nicest person for doing this to me (by being dishonest/coward), he is still the one who makes my heart beat fast but I don’t want to feel that anymore not with a guy like that. Why couldn’t he just be honest and ended things instead of ignoring and hurting? I tend to attract the wrong guys into my life who gives me nothing but heartbreaks while they are happy with someone else. Even if it hurts I kept my life going but of course things come in a series, while people came to me with their drama and negativity, draining my energy even more. I felt that my happiness and selflove was slowly sinking under the ground and was making me sad. It didn’t make the situation better when I realized that I’m the only one single among my friends. It was kind of hard to hear my friends and sister getting thoughtful gifts or trip to Puerto Rico from their boyfriends during the holiday, just “rubbing” it in my face (of course not consciously) but you know what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them but right now I’m sensitive to these things.
I know this is not a positive or healthy way to live, that’s true! I have to snap out of it and get back on track, I can’t lose it, not now. I have so much to be thankful for and I think once I go back to Uppsala and school, I will focus on myself and my thesis, have no expectations of life. I know deep in my heart that I’m not a bad person and have so much love to offer but apparently it’s not the right time. I hope that I will get through these rough times and spend time writing more and just enjoy life more and do what I want to do and keep myself distant from drama and toxic people.
Being here allows me to be the REAL me where I can express my current mode. I hope you guys are here to stay and yes I will make happier posts… I have promised you stories from my internship!
Ok take care and we talk soon ❤
– Hugs x heart –