I have been crying my heart out the past 12 hours because it’s officially over between P and I but this time we said our goodbyes.
I never mentioned this on the blog but I met him last Saturday after the birthday party after us breaking up a month ago with no contact what so ever. We spoke on the phone Friday and did some catching up to do and had noticed that I had changed my tone and attitude during the time apart and we like always had so much to talk about and he agreed to meet me for a chat.
So Saturday I met him but he wasn’t all that fixed up or anything and he acted really cold towards me and kept his distance by answering short. So we picked a place to sit and we talked about books and movies and it was really nice, then he started to talk about little more serious stuff and I saw he got you know “down” in his tone so and sat next to him and said that it’s ok and he tried to push me away a bit. He started to explain that he is not in the right state of mind because of his illness but I said that I was aware which I have been from the first day I “saw” him but I told him how I felt but he couldn’t say the same.
The thing is last month before the break up he said that he could see a future with me with kids and marriage, he wanted to get serious with me. Now suddenly he don’t have any feelings for me but I didn’t want to pressure him to feel something right away. He then said: You’ve matured and I like the new you, I believe you. Without knowing, we started to kiss a very long time and he whispered that he felt drunk while kissing me and it felt good. He kissed my hand but I felt like he had changed, he felt like a different man, not the loving and warm guy I fell for who looked at me like I was the only girl in the world and felt like the luckiest guy on earth. So we decided to call it off for the night and he kissed me goodnight at the train.
I called him few days later to check up on him and we started to talk about school and our classes, then I asked if he wanted to hangout with me and have some quality time together. It was totally silence on the other end, he said: I’m afraid and confused. I replied: I know, so am I because non of us have been in a real serious relationship. Since he is not like others his confusion is worse and it puts pressure on him but he said that he did want to hang out with me and have dinner that he likes spending time with me. He said that unfortunately every time is kiss me he loses all sence of control of his mind and can’t make rational choices and he needed some time to think because he saw red flags (about himself and his illness) and I said that he could take the time so we hung up.
Yesterday I wanted to check if we were going to have dinner or not but he never replied my phone at first and around 12 AM we talked and well surprise surprise, he didn’t want to meet me because he didn’t think it was a good idea because he just want to be alone in his bubble where NO ONE can enter because he wanted me to forget him and stop loving him for my best. He said that being with me would make him live in the real world which he doesn’t want to be in, he is not in the right state to be serious with someone and he said I’m not a girl you just play with and leave. Once things would have got serious he wouldn’t like to leave me but right now he can do that. He kept saying that I’m not right for you and you don’t want a person like me, stop feeling things for me, I’m better off alone and I don’t need anyone in my life, I’m toxic.
Every word he said broke my heart in to pieces over and over again. I was so sad for him, that he will never get the love that he deserves and that he hates himself so much to ruin his happiness and chance for real love. He doesn’t deserve to be bipolar and feel these things, it’s a real punishment and he has to live with it rest of his life.
I really love this guy from the bottom of my heart and I did EVERYTHING I could but nothing could change the fact that it would me and him. He was everything I’ve dreamt of but his illness was that ruined our happy ending, because he said that if things would have been different he would say yes to me in a heartbeat. He said that I was the most kindest and understanding girl he had ever met and he thanked me for that but kept saying: Forget the thought of me and move on! (sorry I’m crying again because every word I’m writing hurts so much and I don’t deserve this at all because I have never loved anyone like this in my whole life).
I told him thati f we are meant to be there will be a way, if we’re not then we’re not meant to be. I just wanted him to be happy and not live his life in misery and loneliness. I told him that he was my best friend and if he ever wanted to talk that I was just a phone call away, maybe not today, tomorrow, one month, one year… I would ALWAYS have time for him no matter what.
We said that who knows what the future holds but for now our story is offically over and the last words that will echo in my heart and head forever is: Goodbye Nad!
I’m officially letting him go even my heart is crushed and a part of me wish that I’ve never met him and felt the way I do if he was to leave me anyways. Life is really unfair but I will be okey with time.
– Hugs x heart –