Does the inner demons ever fade away for real? or are they just hiding from the light that shines in to your life and comes up whenever your world feels darker at times?
It sure feels that way sometimes. I have talked little about being depressed during periods of time for different reasons which made me see the world in a negative way and I had no confidence left in my system. It was like someone took everything from me; leaving me with anxiety and shoved me in a lonely place. It felt like I lost a part of who I was. Sure it took some time and lots of strength to get on my feet again and I guess at some point I start seeing hope shining through the darkness. It’s hard to explain but some of you might understand.
I felt for a long time that no one could understand this feeling but at work I found few guys who I could talk to as friends. They also had their own thing going on in their lives which they told me because they trusted me.
I have very interesting people in my current class and those with the most “dominant” nature I tend to like most even though I keep it low and just being nice to them. There is this guy who come across as rude whenever he was making a point and everything he said was right, whenever someone questioned him he had to fight back. My first impression of this guy was not so good but at one lecture the teacher started to imply that psychological problems triggers of something and this guy started to say that it can be chronically (something like that), but the teacher “pushed” him into admitting in front of the whole class that the he was bipolar. It all made sence at that point. I can NEVER compare myself with people with real serious issues.
I start to understand where he was coming from, few weeks later I added him on Facebook and our class forum. Then he wrote and said: Oh is it here everyone have been hiding in the cyberspace. We started to chat little about school and stuff, he offered to help checking my essay for any errors or anything because he is one of the best in the class. Next time we talked he started to explain that he have psychological problems like bipolar and ADHD and that he had a rough time and still going through things and that he has trust-issues too. He is very open about these things so it was not like he was telling a secret since many people in the class already knew about it. I started to talk about my period of depression and anxieties.
At one point he started being sceptical and asked why I was being so nice to him because he knew that he came off as arrogant in others eyes and thought I had some hidden agenda (which I didn’t). I explained that I wanted to be nice without getting anything out of it and felt like I could relate in some strange way. Took a while till he started to lower his suspicious and he started to say nice things that I’m an interesting person which is rare to find these days. It felt good having someone who understood this part of me.
These past few days have been “worse” after a long time, I feel minor “depression” mostly because I feel lonely and have trouble sleeping. Sometimes you feel like screaming out loud. I’m afraid that I will not find true happiness and yes it bothers me that people have found partners who they love while I have nothing. I have not felt anything for years. I fear that I will never be able to find anyone or love some one ever again. I’m scared that no one will understand this part of me. People who hurt me the most got their happy endings on my behalf and my pain. While the people who were honest and loving got thrown out in the cold, left all alone… of course it does hurt.
It’s easy to fall in that hole again and hide under the blanket but I won’t allow it this time even if ghosts from the past tease me sometimes and reminds me of my failures. I’m positive and still want to believe in good things. I think that a heart can be healed when you can fill the part that is missing inside no matter what it is or who it is. The feeling of something missing is not a nice thing and I hope that none of you will go through it. Many people don’t want to talk this topic which is ok. Just know that you are not alone. Who knows maybe one day these inner demons will hide forever and never show up, one can always hope anyways!
Thank you for reading ! Catch up with you all soon! ❤
– Hugs x heart –